my day without you

my love,

i really feel like telling you i want to go to gym again.

the moment you told me you're not going to gym ad..i can feel my eyes started to fill with tears

I know our time to meet will lessen..

I really wanted to go to your house to study..to do my homework..but im scare that i'll disturb you..

I left my pencilbox at your house and you asked me to go to your house and take..I asked stupidly 'take then go?' and then you said if i want to go to your house to study then bring along my homework..

I know you said that because you're afraid that i'll get hurt if you answered 'ya' to my question..

Dar

i cried today..sorry i didint tell you.. sorry i didint hold on to my promise to only cry on your shoulder..

sorry that i cried again..

I cried in mummy's room..but then bro entered so i went to wash my face..but the tears just wouldnt stop flowing..

I went to the other room and continued crying.. all i think is you.. i want your hug..

i told myself its going to be alright..and then i walked to the washroom to wash my face..but it failed.. i sat on the floor and cry again.. my heart just felt.. hurt..

I know you're waiting for me to get my pencilbox.. so I consoled myself to stop..at least just stop awhile..until i get the pencilbox from you

I went down to my car feeling much better but then the feeling just came again..tears start to fill my eyes again..

i cried on my way to your house..and stop by the roadside to wipe away my tears..im scared to let the guards see my face..the tears must stop.

i go up to your house this time.. i dont want to trouble you to come down just to pass me my pencilbox..i dont want to disturb you studying.. i told myself i must at least glance at you.. everyday i get to see you but starting from today..maybe its not going to be everyday we're going to meet.. we wouldnt have much time to spend time together again so at least a glance would do the job.. 

but i failed..

i scared you would see my crying face.. i scared that you'll worry about me then..

thats not what I wanted.. i want you to study right?

at last i didint make it to glance at you.. i didint get to see you today,my dar..

i said goodbye after I took my things from you and the moment i walk away..i sobbed again.

I love you i want to see you so much.. but i couldnt..im sorry :(

i parked by the roadside after passing through your guardhse and cry again..

Dar..

do you know how much i missed you?

do you know how much i loved you?

i cried because i want you.

i want to be by your side
I want your hug
please spend sometime with me,your girlfriend also..

but i dont want to disturb your studies

so i might as well sacrifice my desire.. to let you do your stuff

i just want to let you know..

dont leave me okay?
if you feel like its okay to go to your house that day,please do let me know?

i want to see you everyday..that's all i wanted

i have to get used to it..i have to get used to my life..my days without you
i know i can do it.
Erica bong, you're the strongest woman on earth,ya know?
:')

Sign Off

Erica Bong

4.06pm

28June2012-He's the reason

He's the reason why I always laugh like a mentally retarded person
He's the only one who can make me laugh very hard
He's the one whom, my heart will melt whenever he does silly actions

I know dar.

Iloveyou,much.

very much.

Sign Off

Erica Bong

10.46pm

xoxo

27June2012

Dear diary
today is 27th of June,on a wednesday afternoon

I went to the canteen today and I couldnt see you. Later on you told me you sneaked out of the school with JinLin and Sarah to eat wantan mee.
Im happy that you're being honest with me.. at first I didint really mind..but I dont know why..I felt very jealous after that.
When you told me about it..Sarah smacked your shoulder and said 'must you tell out?'
wtf?
why cant i know?

After you walked out of your class..I became very,very emo.
I am jealous,dear.
You gave me your tupperware with bread,call me to finish it.
At that time Im really very angry.
You call your mum to prepare you bread,and then you went out to eat with Sarah,and now
because you dont want your mum to know you didint eat your bread,you push it to me.
Im what?
Give me your bread when you dont want it,although you know i hadnt eat.
I know your sincerity but I really dont like that
I want breakfast that's prepared by you,not the one your mum prepared for you and you didint eat it and then push it to me.

I didint want to let you see my angry bird face..I planned to act normal infront of you later
Who knows,you passed by my class and you saw it.
I told you ntg happen,when in fact there is something happen.
I dont want you to feel tired of my attitude..almost everyday Im being very emo.
Im scared you'll eventually feel bored of it so I'd made the decision to hide.

What actually happen is..
I am jealous with the fact that you went out and eat with Sarah.
Why must you jio her? isnt Atiqah around?
That's not the point
The point is..
Im jealous she can get very close to you at school.. people see you guys as.. I dont know..
Even your bestfriend can be closer with you in school than your own girlfriend.


I dont mind if you said you're playing with her just because she's your bestfriend
I mean,yeah
you have your social life and I have mine
But i hope Im also known..
Known in school,as your girlfriend.. so that other girls will be extra aware of themselves infront of you..
I want to let people know you have a girlfriend and you're very close to her too.
not only when we're alone,you're close to me..
I want it infront of our friends too
if you're close to me,as close as when you're with Sarah,then  I wouldnt mind much
but this is different
in school,it seems like she's your girlfriend.
Sigh
I dont know what im typing..
maybe its easier to said it face to face..
but I dont want you to feel annoyed
so this is the only place.
Im feeling much better now.
cause i've found a way to handle it

I will not care anymore
go ahead if you want to be very close with her,play with her
I dont mind and dont want to care anymore
After all, you have your social life and I have mine
peace.
I hope I can do it. I wont get jealous easily,I'll try.

Sign Off

Erica Bong

3.25pm

24June2012

Dear diary,
I miss you.

I dont know wtf just happen this morning. I told him I had my breakfast already and out of a sudden,the situation became so cool..
I dont want him to have his breakfast alone..cause he's not foreveralone now..why cant he understand?

Whenever I see you plugging the earphones in to ur ears,I feel like going home
I want to go home. 
I dont want to be an invisible shit who can just speak to myself when in fact there's someone to talk to.
Do you know it hurts?
Let me know next time if you want to use the earphones..I'll go home.
it hurts..when you rather speak to your earphone..than talking to me.
I seriously hate it when you listen to your earphones..
this time is even nicer
you went into your parent's room and on the tv cause you saw me sleeping
the moment you on the tv.im wide awake..

and then I'll be like.. sitting there..all alone..feeling foreveralone..no one to talk to..books cant read my mind.. I will just stare at the book and said
'can i just grab the housekeys..open the door and walk home? can I really do that? seems like no ones there to bother me..to stop me..'


i want to go home. 
i dont want to be so annoying to.still stay here when no one welcomes you.
i dont want to be syok sendiri
sigh..


I guess I'll speak to myself today.. :'(

Sign off 

Erica Bong

4.03pm

Prima Bayu Apt.

11June2012

Dear diary

Its 11th of June, on a Monday night.
Sorry dear,have been neglecting you after me and the bf's one monthsary.

JOGGING
RESULT
EXERCISE
WILSON
GIRLFRIEND
HOT
MONEY
NEW GUY
PARDON
LEAVE
SILENCE 
SAD
DEPRESSED
SPED
LOVE
The moment you went out of the car, i started crying.
I dont care how the other drivers think about me
I dont care what the passers-by would guess on me
I dont care how the guards would look at me
What I know is
I cried damn fucking hard and its the hardest i could say
I cried from your house to my house carpark
I cried my lungs out in the car before I cool myself and get down of the car
I can hardly see my steps,I nearly trip and fell
My eyes are swollen
I hid my face and quickly ran into the bathroom

Maybe that's not what you mean
Maybe im just being too sensitive
Maybe I did think too much
Just maybe..

Thank you for giving me one of the best moments in my life.
I love you beyond words.

Sign Off

Erica Bong

8.38pm

05June2012

Dear Diary
Its 5th of June,on a tuesday midnight

Its our 1monthsary today.
its yesterday to be exact.

I was with him all day long..and we did something extraordinary today. Extraordinary for us,two.
Unexpected. Unpredictable. A sudden. swt.


By the way, his family werent around for 3 days straight..so I went to his house to stay for 3days straight too..lol
Its my first time..to stay in a guy's house..and we're the only one living in that house..
Previously ex has been begging me to stay at his house,but I refused to.
That's actually because I dont know how to tell lies to my parents about it.. but when it comes to staying at the bf's house this time..I dont know why.. but no matter what I haz to come out with an idea to lie cause I want to stay with him.

photos as memory.

3 June-6 June. Saturday-Wednesday

<3 <3 <3 

day two. waiting for that slowpoke to take his shower.

I asked him yesterday 

:do you like reading essay?

:I dont know. I think so. Depends on what essay. Why?

: Ooo,later I give you one piece of paper kay.

: what paper?

-silence-

He kept on asking me what paper that night..did annoying stuffs to annoy me.. did stupid stuffs to cheer me up.. did cute stuff to make me laugh..and finally I tore a piece of paper and write

www.zerofive1420.blogspot.com

so now you know about this blog dy lar? 

This is actually my diary..I write down whatever shits happen to us every single day. Okay, I admit. I skipped some =x

but I wrote down incidents happen on that day..and mostly are about my feelings..

When you read through this little diary of mine.. then you'll know what I feel..how do I feel in this 1 month time.

I didint do this for the purpose of showing off or what..and dont worry..  NO ONE knows about this. this is my diary and only you are allowed to see.

I dont mind if you say you're lazy to read all of it. I dont mind if you dont read it too. Cause I believe its your lost to do so :p

and this is actually your real 1-monthsary gift from me. apart from that glove.

Priceless gift.

Ehh,not many can do this kay? I blog almost everynight one eh.

and I do this because I care.

my 1 monthsary gift from him.

Purse from Mango

A card from Starbucks

I know he's buying me that Mango purse but I didint know he'll apply this card for me.

although he used my money to pay first..and he did plan to use my money to apply for that card..

and that later on asked if we can share equally..

I still appreciate it.

Even if you want me to pay for the whole amount I will still said Okay.

I have a thrifty bf and (sometimes) I dont mind.

cause

Its not about the money. Its about the heart.

had a lil issue on the monthsary midnight.

I know you've been very patient to me all these while.

Thank you love.

ILOVEYOU

Sign Off 

Erica Bong

2am

xoxo

1June2012

Dear diary
today's 1st of June, on a friday night.

We're in the mid of the year already. Time flies. our 1 month anniversary is getting closer
Soon you'll get to know of this secret diary of mine..hmm

Finally
Yesterday I handed the gift to..his cupboard.
I hid it inside he couldnt see it so I have to tell him about it -.-

I thought I succeeded. I thought I've made it to give him a surprise and to make him happy.

Today I went to Delta to fetch the bf back home.
Till we reach home..the bf took out the glove and we tried on it
he said there's one which is smaller than the other..and I tried
yea,turned to be one is M and d other is L.
he didint like it and said it wouldnt be nice to wear 2 of a different size..and ask if Im still keeping the receipt.
at first I didint care what he said..cause no matter what I still cant change it since its long already..
I just kept cool and kept on smiling..convincing him that it's alright to have a diff one.or not you can wear back your adidas one.

Not until he said 'see,i want to sad already.'

I can feel my facial expression changed from smiling to sad
I was sad..
just a simple gift like that..I cant do it perfectly..
and that makes him sad.
I planned to give this to him..so that he'll be happy..
but I failed
I failed in my hands itself
I should have checked before purchasing
I should have kept the receipt eventhough Im not gonna use it anymore
See,
now he cant have a perfect present.


I cried on his shoulder..quite hard this time..but not my hardest
Its pain in the heart..
cause a simple thing like that also I cant manage it well
Im not blaming to the bf
I am blaming myself
for not being alert and careful
Im so stupid..so useless.
That's the reason why I cried.

The bf consoled me..wiped away my tears..calling me to stop crying..offering me tissues and water..
I started to calm myself down.. and the bf said please dont cry.. my heart felt very pain..and hurt..you smore cry so long..make me feel sad for so long..
He asked me why did I cry.. i refused to tell cause I dont know how to tell..
then tears start to accumulate in his eyes..he's hurt
he thought he's the one who cause this.
my turn to wipe away his tears..and hugged him.
I love you dar. I want you to have a perfect present. now its of a different size,and that I couldnt find the receipt.it'll remain like that forever
Im sorry. I promise to not repeat this mistake again.
Sorry.

he said it again....ily

On our daily phonecall.. we talked about last time.. how we started smsing each other..
how we started that convo this convo..
how we started fell in love..and all.
he told me kejun they all actually nearly fell in love with him..
and the reason why he didint take actions..made me speechless.
so now i know he chose me because of these reasons.
Now I know.


and then we slowly talked about merentas desa..
and how did i react that day on weipin.
slowly the topic comes to controlling anger..and attitude stuff..
He said he didint like to see my pekchek face
or to be exact, its HATE.
he asked me to control my anger whenever I feel pekchek..calm down.. take breaths..and slowly tell him what had gone wrong.
But I know myself
I know myself well that I couldnt control when Im in pekchek situation.. its..mend inside my brain..to react like this..I dont know why..
I will try not to vent my anger infront of you next time.. only after Im back home.. or was far away from you..I will.
I will hide myself somewhere..and do my business there.
I wont let you see my shitty face..and then you'll degrade me.
and you said you'll perhaps break up with me if I were to react like that again.
I went speechless. lol.
I promise to you I will try hard not to show you angry face..wont vent my anger infront of you.. wont pekchek infront of you.. try to think rationally..take deep breaths..
I dont know if I can do it or not..but i will try my best to hide away.. I dont want to do stuffs you didint like..
I will try my best.

Sign Off

Erica Bong

1.33am

xoxo